Diary #1 | Friendship Anxiety

Finally, my examinations are over and I can relax a little. But I did quite badly, actually it is not up to my expectations bad, and I told myself I need to get at least 2 A* and 2A to get into my dream school, Anderson Secondary School. I’m living in Asia!

This is me [Cookie Mckenzie]

Right so after my exam, schoolmates get their results. That is the worst part of the process, I hate it when schoolmates compar
e their results with one and another. It is frustrating to me because, people laugh at me or others if they did badly, I hate it so much.

They don’t know how much it hurts to get defeated in a battle, I have a bigger battle to go. And because of results, I get bullied. I’m like one of the worst students, I think, in the whole school and this is what I’m suffering. I tried to study harder but these classmates keep distracting me from my homework. Trying to keep up with the even but I just could not because they keep distracting me from my work.

I feel stress about this matter and I don’t know why but suddenly I  realised that I don’t have much friends. I have a friend, he says that I’m one of the most popular kids in my class because…

1. I’m a prefect

2. I’m funny [that is what he says]

That is a complete myth. How can I be funny? I barely even shout in class. And if I was able to make jokes and be the funniest person in the class, I would only make sexual jokes. I’m sorry! Well, I have a phone, I have social media apps [ Check them out!] But I just can’t make any friends. I think that is the reason why my marks are pulling me down.

It’s just stress and friendship anxiety.

People call me an attention whore because I posted a vine showing me cutting myself. I am really regretting to post that vine up on Vine but I just want people to know how I feel towards life. You might be against me right now but it really doesn’t matter.

I have a snapchat boyfriend as well but he rarely goes online and chat with me, we’ve broken up now. I’m living the social single life again! Now I am currently in contact with two american guys on Vine and one has snapchat, one does not. To be honest I find it hard to choose which one because one is 18 and one is 17. The 17 guy is really my type but he goes on Vine but not too much, he keeks. The 18 year old guy does not use Vine a lot but he is also quite nice.

I really don’t get it, is it because that I am ugly and no one wants to make friends with me? Am I annoying? I don’t know even know myself. No wonder I can’t have a boyfriend, I hate myself and I can never love myself. I always think that I am a useless girl.

 I’m letting out a secret that no one knows, I cry myself to sleep every night. You might be thinking, attention whore again! Or, such a weak girl! I don’t want to attract attention but yes, I am a weak girl. I lose to everyone in everything. While I was crying to myself, I would always tell myself, why are you doing this to yourself? Tommy and Niall are always there for you!

Tommy Joe Ratliff and Niall Horan are my favourite idols by the way.

They could never know me, so how are they always there for me?  Till today I can’t settle this problem, I cry myself to sleep still. Thinking about the future, friendship, results, work. All these things are going through my mind, even now while I are writing.

I always wish that somebody will always be there for me.

A little quote for myself and those who are suffering with anxiety 

“Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”

~Anais Nin


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